I’ve made no secret of my frustrations trading in the baseball simulation league I play in. This afternoon, I tried to categorize the trading styles of all of the owners I’ve dealt with since joining the HOFL in 1995.
| The Dangler | “What do you think of THIS guy…” |
| The Bullshitter | “Yes, he’s on the block, but I really don’t have any intention of ever trading him as long as there is blood pumping through my veins.” |
| Everybody’s Best Friend | “It will really help both of our teams.” |
| The Rapist | Yes, I’ll give you Chuck Knoblauch if you give me Lou Boudreau.” |
| The Name Grabber | “I’ll give you 48 players for Willie Mays.” |
| The Genius | “I’ll give you Willie Mays for Stan Spence and 48 picks.” |
| The Roid Rager | “I want Bonds and McGwire and Mathews and Sosa and anyone who weighs over 170 pounds on my team.” |
| The Grass is Greener-er | “No, I’m not trading you J.R. Richard because, even though he sucks now, I know he will kick ass on your team.” |
| The Upseller | “Instead of swapping middle relievers, let’s swap infields.” |
| The Professor | “I don’t want to trade Heinie Groh because his OPS+ against lefty pitchers whose last names are more than 2 syllables was 160. And most of the pitchers in the league have last names with more than 2 syllables. And he has the added benefit of playing in my park, which has a high triples rating.” |
| The Perennial Failure | “No, I don’t want your three best players and three top picks for Marty Marion. I have a plan.” |
| The Future HOFL Champion | “Do you want the best eligible guy on my IDL roster for two of your minor leaguers?” |
| The Hindsighter | “I am not trading a starting pitcher because last year my team fell apart the last week of the season when my starters got injured.” |
| The Chicken | “No, you are in my division and I know Mike Schmidt will hit game-winning home run after game-winning home run against me if I trade him to you.” |
| The Masturbator | “Nope. My team is awesome the way it is. All of my players are just underperforming.” |
| The Prospector | “Yes, I’ll trade you half my team and next year’s draft for Jose Reyes.” |
| The Moron | “Even though my right fielder has a career OPS of .700, I don’t want Roberto Clemente because he does not fit my ‘team style.'” |
| The Liar | “I’ll make this trade with you in a week.” Then, a week later, “I won’t make this trade with you.” |
| The Lying Bastard | “I’ll make this trade with you in a week.” Then, a week later, “Not only will I not make this trade, but now I want more from you in order to complete the deal.” |
| The Loyalist | “Yes, I want Bill Gullickson because he played a few games with the Expos and I want every Expo who ever lived.” |
| The Snob | “I’m not even going to waste my time swapping minor league relievers.” |
| The GM | “I’ll give you a lefty set-up guy, a minor league middle infielder, my second pick, Baltimore’s 4th pick – if another trade goes through – and the rights to one of my third basemen after the season is over for your ace starter, your minor league third baseman, and your righty closer.” |
| The Hoarder | “I want Debs Garms because in 5 years, he might be good.” |
| The Scrooge | “I won’t trade you Debs Garms because in 5 years, he might be good.” |
| The Big Heart | “Yes, I’ll trade you whatever you want. I just love being in the HOFL. Life is good.” |
| The Fucker | DELETE |
| The Consolidator | “I will give you 14 middle infielders for Rogers Hornsby.” |
| The Options Dealer | “You can have your choice of Mike Epstein/Ralph Garr/Ken Phelps plus any 2 righty relievers OR Ken Phelps and a starter and my 7th for either Terry Pendleton and your 4th OR Garry Templeton, Mickey Tettleton, and your 4th. Or your 9th and 10th instead of your 4th.” |
As for myself, I would say I am:
Genius (obviously
Everybody’s Best Friend (if I like you
Upseller (definitely
Consolidator
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