Which Type of Sim League Owner Are You?

Posted by on Jul 3, 2007 in Baseball, Silly

I’ve made no secret of my frustrations trading in the baseball simulation league I play in. This afternoon, I tried to categorize the trading styles of all of the owners I’ve dealt with since joining the HOFL in 1995.

The Dangler “What do you think of THIS guy…”
The Bullshitter “Yes, he’s on the block, but I really don’t have any intention of ever trading him as long as there is blood pumping through my veins.”
Everybody’s Best Friend “It will really help both of our teams.”
The Rapist Yes, I’ll give you Chuck Knoblauch if you give me Lou Boudreau.”
The Name Grabber “I’ll give you 48 players for Willie Mays.”
The Genius “I’ll give you Willie Mays for Stan Spence and 48 picks.”
The Roid Rager “I want Bonds and McGwire and Mathews and Sosa and anyone who weighs over 170 pounds on my team.”
The Grass is Greener-er “No, I’m not trading you J.R. Richard because, even though he sucks now, I know he will kick ass on your team.”
The Upseller “Instead of swapping middle relievers, let’s swap infields.”
The Professor “I don’t want to trade Heinie Groh because his OPS+ against lefty pitchers whose last names are more than 2 syllables was 160. And most of the pitchers in the league have last names with more than 2 syllables. And he has the added benefit of playing in my park, which has a high triples rating.”
The Perennial Failure “No, I don’t want your three best players and three top picks for Marty Marion. I have a plan.”
The Future HOFL Champion “Do you want the best eligible guy on my IDL roster for two of your minor leaguers?”
The Hindsighter “I am not trading a starting pitcher because last year my team fell apart the last week of the season when my starters got injured.”
The Chicken “No, you are in my division and I know Mike Schmidt will hit game-winning home run after game-winning home run against me if I trade him to you.”
The Masturbator “Nope. My team is awesome the way it is. All of my players are just underperforming.”
The Prospector “Yes, I’ll trade you half my team and next year’s draft for Jose Reyes.”
The Moron “Even though my right fielder has a career OPS of .700, I don’t want Roberto Clemente because he does not fit my ‘team style.'”
The Liar “I’ll make this trade with you in a week.” Then, a week later, “I won’t make this trade with you.”
The Lying Bastard “I’ll make this trade with you in a week.” Then, a week later, “Not only will I not make this trade, but now I want more from you in order to complete the deal.”
The Loyalist “Yes, I want Bill Gullickson because he played a few games with the Expos and I want every Expo who ever lived.”
The Snob “I’m not even going to waste my time swapping minor league relievers.”
The GM “I’ll give you a lefty set-up guy, a minor league middle infielder, my second pick, Baltimore’s 4th pick – if another trade goes through – and the rights to one of my third basemen after the season is over for your ace starter, your minor league third baseman, and your righty closer.”
The Hoarder “I want Debs Garms because in 5 years, he might be good.”
The Scrooge “I won’t trade you Debs Garms because in 5 years, he might be good.”
The Big Heart “Yes, I’ll trade you whatever you want. I just love being in the HOFL. Life is good.”
The Fucker DELETE
The Consolidator “I will give you 14 middle infielders for Rogers Hornsby.”
The Options Dealer “You can have your choice of Mike Epstein/Ralph Garr/Ken Phelps plus any 2 righty relievers OR Ken Phelps and a starter and my 7th for either Terry Pendleton and your 4th OR Garry Templeton, Mickey Tettleton, and your 4th. Or your 9th and 10th instead of your 4th.”

As for myself, I would say I am:

Genius (obviously
Everybody’s Best Friend (if I like you
Upseller (definitely

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